When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
