So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
