I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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