I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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