4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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