I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
