Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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