My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
