Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
