PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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