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yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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