Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
