i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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