my mouth tastes like poor choices
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
