I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
