life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
