I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
