He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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