I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
