My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
