I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
