I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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