Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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