i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
