Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my shit smells like andre
So many bounce houses so little time
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
