I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
