Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
