Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
