people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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