Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
