I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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