I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
