Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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