accomplished twins. life is a go
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
