first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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