I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
