Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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