dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
