Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
