i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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