dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
