I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
