SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
