Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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