I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my vag is so smooth its legendary
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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