In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
