i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
