i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
