Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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