You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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