the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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