Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
