it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
