member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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