The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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