Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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