Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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