So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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